The Shinsengumi Aren't As Stupid As They Look
by Niente de Nada
Summary: A TV interview draws Hijikata's attention to Ikumatsu as the key to finally capturing Katsura. Katsura/Ikumatsu
1. It's Not Terrorist It's Young Noble of

**Author's Note: Updated February 24, 2013. **Since starting this fic, Sorachi came through big-time and wrote a Katsura/Ikumatsu arc. Without giving any spoilers for non-manga readers, I'll say that a) it was awesome but b) in the general Sorachi ship pattern, nothing was more than hinted at, so I don't have to change the story, other than a few words here and there. The one major change would be that this fic must happen after Hijikata and Okita watch a re-run of that Katsura interview, not directly after.

**Chapter One: It's Not Terrorist. It's Young Noble of Fury.**

_Yes, his distinguishing feature is his long hair. His annoying long hair. He carries his Nmaibo bar around the whole day saying it's his trump card. His sense of humour, you can say, is a relic from a past generation. He makes you angry even if you just talk to him for a minute. The moment you see this man, call the police._

_Click._ Hijikata hit the remote.

"I thought that was a very entertaining program, Hijikata-san," commented Okita. "It's a shame you didn't get a cameo, but I think I stole my scenes."

Hijikata ignored him. An idea had been forming in his mind from the opening minutes of the re-run, and now, he was ready to test it.

"That ramen place," he growled. "Katsura goes there a lot, doesn't he?"

"Tsk, your memory's already failing you, Vice-Commander? You had Yamazaki eating all his meals there for a week. Remember how that went down?"

"There's no such thing as a ramen allergy." He bit down hard on his cigarette. "That idiot was skiving off to play badminton."

"Oh yes, Vice-Commander. The anaphylactic shock was a particularly expert piece of play-acting."

Hijikata waved that away. "The woman there, what was her name again?"

"Ikumatsu."

"She checked out all right, didn't she?"

"Clean as a whistle. Her husband was killed by the Jouishishi. Left a touch of bad feeling."

"But she knows who Katsura is," Hijikata objected. "That interview made that clear."

"She might have picked it up from all the times I've burst into her shop shouting, "_Die Katsura!" _I think she feels sorry for him."

Hijikata considered the idea and spat. "Sorry for that bastard? What exactly is there to pity Katsura Kotarou for? He does whatever the hell he pleases, whenever the hell he pleases, and his brainless followers keep him fed and clothed and well-stocked with grenades."

"Nevertheless, Vice-Commander, if we arrested everyone who felt sorry for Katsura, Kabuki-chou would be a ghost town."

"Hmm... Okita? Isn't Yorozuya out of town?'

Okita nodded. "They got a job out in the boonies. Were you thinking of joining them for your sick leave?"

"Sick leave?"

The TV remote exploded.

* * *

Around noon the next day, Okita Sougo sauntered into the _Hokutoshinken_ shop and ordered a bowl of ramen, which he ate leisurely, apparently wrapped up in his own thoughts. When he'd finished eating, he walked over to the counter to thank the proprietor for the excellent meal. Ikumatsu didn't expect him to offer to pay. Okita never did. Shinsengumi discount, he called it.

"You're always welcome, Captain," she told him, smiling as she did for all her customers.

Okita walked towards the door, then suddenly turned around. "Do you know," he said pleasantly, "I nearly forgot what I was here for? Ikumatsu-san, I'm bringing you in to Headquarters for questioning regarding your relationship with the terrorist Katsura Kotarou."

His hand rested lightly on the hilt of his sword. Dazedly, she wondered where he'd stowed his bazooka.

"You'll come along quietly, yes?" From his left pocket, he pulled out a pair of handcuffs.

She'd been expecting this. Ever since the day she'd realized that the bedraggled bleeding man who'd climbed on to her roof was Joui leader Katsura Kotarou. But time had worn on, and other than some basic questions from an obvious spy, the Shinsengumi had taken no notice of her. Until now.

She was always calm in emergencies. So she stayed calm now, even though her heart was pounding wildly.

"Those aren't necessary, Okita-san," she told him quietly, as she walked out from behind the counter.

"Oh I think they are," he said, a glint appearing in his reddish-brown eyes. With practiced ease, he spun her around and cuffed her hands behind her.

"I'm not resisting," she reminded him. She'd heard stories about the Shinsengumi's first captain, and she could all too easily imagine how an interrogation session with him might go.

He smirked. "You're no fun, are you?"

Ikumatsu supressed an urge to vomit.

* * *

Hijikata raised an eyebrow when Okita came back with the woman. Blindfolded and hands cuffed behind her back? He wished Kondou was here to see this. It would be Exhibit A in his argument that Okita was a complete pyscho-case.

"Don't tell me," he greeted Okita. "She put up a big fight and you only just escaped with your life."

Okita was unabashed. "It's like you say, Hijikata-san, never take extra risks. All the TV people were out. Someone must have tipped them off. I think they got some good shots of us escorting her to the car."

_That was cleverly done_, _Okita_, Hijikata thought. But aloud he said. "You can take the blindfold and handcuffs off. This isn't some sleazy Kabukichou club."

Okita obeyed, and Hijikata found himself looking into the pale face of Ikumatsu.

It was just as he recalled, a very ordinary face. Perhaps Katsura found it beautiful. Perhaps not. Either way, he was fairly sure she'd work as the bait for this trap. He greeted her politely and invited her to sit.

"I should offer you some refreshments," he told her, sitting down opposite her. "Okita-kun, you'll get us some tea."

"As you wish, Vice-Commander," replied Okita with a pleasant smile that signalled his fury. Okita knew his job too well to upset an interrogation, but Hijikata resolved not to drink any of the tea Okita brought him.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" He began lighting up without waiting for an answer.

"N . . . No," Ikumatsu stammered.

Time to test his hunch.

"Katsura must really trust you to have done that interview in your restaurant a while back."

"I didn't know he was planning that," she said. "He showed up with the camera crew without any warning." She sounded genuinely irritated, he noted.

"You don't deny knowing him."

"I don't. What would be the point? You've had spies dogging me for months. But you can think what you like, I'm not a Joui supporter!" Her voice was trembling but she sat with her back completely erect, looking him straight in the face.

"Are you Katsura's lover?"

That got a reaction. Her white face flushed red. "No. I' m not."

Hijikata congratulated himself on his perception. He was on the right track, all right. "But you wish you were?" he asked her.

"That's not how it is!"

"How is it then?"

"I don't think Katsura-san thinks . . . about such things. But he's kind and he wants to protect people. Even when he can't."

"Well then, we'll wait here for him to come protect you, shall we?"

For a second, he thought she was going to faint. Then she was launching herself at him, her fist aiming at his jaw. Despite his surprise, he easily caught her arm and tackled her to the floor.

"You stupid girl," he hissed. "Stop struggling or I'll break your wrist."

The screen slid open. It was Okita with the tea. "You got started without me, Hijikata-san?"

"Where are the bloody handcuffs?" panted Hijikata. Ikumatsu was still trying to break free. The woman was about as easy to hold still as a kitten. Weak but all wriggly.

Okita just stood and watched. "Hijikata-san, how can she drink the tea with her hands cuffed?"

"Give them to me, you idiot!"

"I suppose we could hold the cup to her lips," said Okita seriously. He reluctantly pulled out the cuffs. "By the way, Vice-Commander, if Katsura kills you, can I have your sword?"

* * *

"Hand me another explosive, Elizabeth."

YOU'VE USED THEM ALL, read Elizabeth's sign.

"Are you sure? I distinctly remember packing twelve this morning."

YOU USED ONE ON THAT SQUAD CAR, REMEMBER?

"Ah, yes." Katsura stared unhappily at the piece of _art _in front of him. "What do you think this is meant to be, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth flapped her arms. She was probably shrugging, Katsura decided.

"It's a tower of sake bottles," Katsura continued. "I thought it might be a representation of the Terminal, but the proportions are all wrong."

DID YOU CHECK THE EXHIBIT NOTES?

"They weren't any help." He contemplated _'Untitled'_ seriously. "I suppose I could just push this one over."

"Stop where you are!" Two security guards burst into the room.

In one swift movement, Katsura pushed down on his detonator and aimed a kick at the Tower of Sake.

Throughout the Special Exhibit Hall of the Great Edo Art Museum, eleven modern art installations exploded.

"Decadent Amanto Art Has No Place Among The Treasures Of Our Great Culture!" shouted Katsura "Let Edo Know -" A sake bottle hit his head and he blacked out.

* * *

When Katsura awoke, he was lying on a futon in a dim room. Kneeling beside the bed was one of his most trusted subordinates, and after a second's reflection, he identified the place as as one of his hide-outs: a cellar under a tailor's shop.

"What happened?" groaned Katsura.

"You lost consciousness when you were injured," the man explained. "Elizabeth carried you here."

"Thank you, Eliz . . . Where is Elizabeth?"

"Ah . . ."

"Tell me."

"You need to rest, Katsura-san. You've got a bad bump on your head."

Katsura sat up, feeling his head. "I've had worse," he declared. "Tell Me Now."

"The Shinsengumi arrested an acquaintance of yours," the man said. "Elizabeth's gone to scout out their Headquarters."

"An acquaintance? Who?"

"The woman who owns that ramen place."

Katsura shot out of bed. "My sword! Where's my sword?"

"Your head!"

Katsura ran his hands through his hair. "I'm not bleeding. I'm fine. My sword. You _must_ give me my sword!"

"Katsura-san, this is a trap! They want you to come to them!"

Katsura lunged at him.

"Your sword is in the chest, Katsura-san!" the man gulped. "Let me come with you."

Katsura scrambled to the chest. "You can't help me there. Get me a motorcyle. Park it two blocks south of the Shinsengumi Headquarters, and leave the key in the ignition." He pulled out his long and short swords and slid them into his belt. Then he sprang up the stairs out of the cellar.

A moment later he was back. "Two helmets!" he ordered.


	2. You Don't Need An Excuse To Run Away

**Chapter Two: You Don't Need An Excuse To Run Away**

It was a very long afternoon. If Ikumatsu hadn't already been worried sick, she would have been bored out of her mind.

After the initial conversation with Hijikata, and the handcuffing that followed it, no one paid her any more attention. Over Hijikata's objections, Okita went out to take a nap on the porch. Hijikata pulled out a pulp paperback thriller and proceeded to smoke four cigarettes in a row. At four 'o clock, Okita came back in to watch a soap opera with Hijikata. The episode ended on a cliffhanger: the heroine confessing that she'd been forced into robbing banks by her evil twin and so could never be worthy of the hero's love. Ikumatsu was aghast to glimpse tears running down the Vice-Commander's cheeks.

"Katsura's taking his time," complained Okita as the credits began to roll. "You still sure he's coming, Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata looked over at Ikumatsu. "She's sure," he said mildly. "That's good enough for me."

"I hardly know Katsura-san," Ikumatsu protested. There might not be any point in arguing with Hijikata, but she couldn't just sit there and do nothing. "You've made a big mistake, Vice-Commander."

"Meh, If you knew him better, you might realize he's a terrorist, not a romantic hero. How many people do you think he's killed, eh?"

"I don't want to know," she retorted, though of course she had been wondering that herself. "I don't know what he's been or done. I have really no idea what he thinks he's doing now, going on about his 'peaceful revolution."

"But?" he prompted her.

"But nothing!"

"Should I get out the thumb tacks?" asked Okita cheerfully.

Hijikata ignored him. "In the end, it really doesn't matter what you think," he told Ikumatsu. "But I don't get why a woman whose husband was killed by Joui terrorists would give Katsura even a second of her time."

Ikumatsu's anger rose. "You've done your research," she said, trying to keep her voice calm and controlled. "But you couldn't care less what happens to innocent people when you fight your stupid war in the streets. Your idiot captain here certainly doesn't."

"Innocent people know to duck when they see me coming," said Okita.

"You can say what you like about Katsura, but he hasn't been the one blowing up places for quite some time. Who's the real terrorist now, Vice-Commander?"

Hijikata pulled out another cigarette. "You've really fallen for him, haven't you?"

"You seriously think no one could object to your behaviour for any other reason?" snapped Ikumatsu.

"I object to Hijikata-san's behaviour for all sorts of reasons!" put in Okita.

Hijikata stood up. "I'll leave the two of you to discuss them, then. I'm going to see what's taking Yamazaki."

She'd got to him, she thought triumphantly. He was getting his revenge by handing her over to the sadist captain. On second thought, it might have been better for her to keep her mouth shut.

"Soooooooooo," Okita said, dragging the syllable out, his mouth opening into a dreadful smile. "What do we do next, Ikumatsu-san?"

She didn't answer.

"Must be _something _on," he continued. He flipped the television back on again.

* * *

At length, Hijikata returned with a man she recognized as the spy who'd staked out her restaurant. He was carrying a large covered tray.

"Help the prisoner eat her dinner," Hijikata directed him. "Okita, yours is on the tray too."

"What about your dinner?" asked Okita.

"I'm not eating with you. I don't have any time for your tricks tonight."

"Why do you say these hurtful things, Hijikata-san?"

The spy sat down next to Ikumatsu.

"Uh . . thanks for calling the ambulance for me that time," he said quietly. Hijikata and Okita continued bickering behind them.

"You're welcome. Are you all right now?"

"Yes. The doctors said it was a reaction brought on by over-exposure to ramen," he explained. "By the way, my name's Yamazaki Sagaru."

She smiled at him. Finally, someone with a speck of humanity in this place. "I'm glad to meet you. Properly, that is."

* * *

They were just finishing their meals when they were interrupted by the blast.

Hijikata looked at his watch. "Perfect timing. Yamazaki, take the dishes out. Sougo, she's all yours." He stood up, drawing his sword.

Okita forced her to her feet and then held her to his chest with his left arm, restraining her from moving her arms.

Hijikata walked to the door and spoke into the dusk. "Good evening, Katsura Kotarou."

Slowly a figure emerged from the gloom. A pale blue haori over a dark blue kimono. Long black hair hanging over his shoulders. Dark piercing eyes that seemed to look into her soul.

He wasn't even looking at Hijikata, she realized with horror.

"Ikumatsu-dono, I . . ."

Hijikata charged.

Katsura drew his sword in a flash, and their swords met with a clash.

"How are you with a sword instead of a bomb?" growled Hijikata, pulling back. "I've always wanted to know."

Okita was holding her so tightly she could hardly breathe. "Interesting," he whispered in her ear. "Same style as the Yoruzuya Danna. Did they learn together?"

"Your quarrel is with me!" Katsura shouted. "Let this woman go."

"Unbelievably cliche," snorted Okita. "I'd dump him if I were you, Ikumatsu-san."

"How old are you? Fourteen?" snapped Ikumatsu. She kicked his leg as hard as she could. It felt immensely satisfying.

Okita grabbed her hair and yanked hard, causing her to scream in pain. "That's how we _children _play," he said gleefully.

Her scream, she realized immediately, had thrown Katsura off. For just a second, he looked over to see if she was okay instead of watching Hijikata. In that moment, Hijikata found his opening and drove his sword toward Katsura's left arm. Katsura moved his arm just as the point of the sword caught his sleeve. There was a tearing sound as the sword cut throught the cloth, but Katsura seemed untouched as he sprang back from Hijikata.

For such a ridiculously immature tactic it was bizarre how badly Okita's hair-pulling hurt. Memories of her school days suddenly flooded back to her. The boys would pull the girls' hair back then too. She hadn't put up with it for a second. She wasn't a strong fighter, but she played dirty.

Without hesitation, Ikumatsu bit down on Okita's forearm as hard as she could and tasted blood.

Okita yelped. And then the world exploded around them.

* * *

Hijikata was thrown off his feet by the explosion behind him. But the blast gave his sword a power past human strength as it drove down into Katsura's shoulder. When Hijikata pulled himself up from the dust, he discovered that his sword was still stuck into Katsura, pinning him to the wall behind him.

How idiotic was this man? Hijikata had been enjoying their fight. Katsura was a master swordsman, no doubt of that. And then the buffoon had to throw a grenade only a few feet away from himself. It was a miracle Katsura had survived this long if this was how he handled his explosives.

A strange sound was coming from Katsura's mouth. "_Ha-ha-ha-ha_!" Was that laughter? Yes, the man was _laughing_!

"Stop that thing!" Hijikata heard Okita ordering through the cloud of dust that surrounded them.

"That's not a thing! That's Elizabeth!" Katsura shouted.

Hijikata braced himself for the onslaught of the Jouishishi's secret weapon: the sheet-draped Amanto that followed Katsura everywhere. Then he saw a flutter of white in the corner of his eye, up on the roof of the barracks.

'Hijikata-san!" Yamazaki ran towards them. "That thing's getting away with the hostage. Okita-san lost hold of her in the explosion."

Katsura began to laugh again. "You fell into my trap!" he declared, still brandishing his sword at them. "Ikumatsu-dono is well away from here now. You'll never take her back from Elizabeth!" Hijikata could see a glint in his eye. The glint of insanity.

"I don't give a damn about your Ikumatsu," said Hijikata flatly. He pulled out a cigarette and reached for his lighter. "Yamazaki-kun, get Captain Okita back here. We've got Katsura. He's the one we wanted." He took a puff and stared glumly at Katsura. The man had robbed him of the best fight he'd had in ages.

"Don't you Joui have a rule against risking yourselves to rescue your comrades?" he asked.

Katsura's weird smile disappeared. "She isn't a comrade," he said quietly.

"Nicely pinned, Hijikata-san!" Okita came up behind him. "I've never thought of hanging up prisoners with their swords. It looks fairly promising."

"Are you going to fight me or not, you Bakufu dogs?" snarled Katsura.

"May I, Vice-Commander?" asked Okita.

"The Bakufu wants him alive."

"So they'll be disappointed to hear how he was accidentally killed in his own explosion. What's the problem here, Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata ignored him. "Put down your sword, Katsura," he ordered. "Or I'll take Captain Okita here up on his offer." He dropped his cigarette and stamped it into the ground.

He didn't expect Katsura to obey. He was about to tell Okita to disarm him, when Katsura dropped his sword.

"A wise choice," Hijikata started to say. Then blinked. Katsura reached across to the sword pinning his left shoulder to the wall and yanked hard on it. As the sword came out of the wood, Katsura tottered forward, blood gushing from the back of his shoulder. He fell to the ground, propped up by the sword stuck into him.

"Yamazaki, get some bandages," Hijikata ordered.

"Tragic death from sudden blood loss works too," said Okita thoughtfully.

Katsura struggled to his knees. With one quick movement he wrenched the sword from his shoulder, letting out another torrent of blood. Then he stood up, defiantly holding out Hijikata's sword before him.

"You're a hundred years too early to capture me so easily." His laugh turned to a sudden gasping cough, but he stayed erect. "Do you think I came all the way through the war to die here?"

"Yes," said Okita simply. "Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata groaned. "Just knock him down," he told Okita.

Okita pulled his sword from his sheath. Katsura took a step forward towards him. And turned and ran.

"Stop him!" shouted Hijikata, as Katsura knocked over Yamazaki, vaulted across a courtyard filled with surprised Shinsengumi officers, and pulled himself up onto the roof, Okita in hot pursuit after him.

Runaway Katsura had struck again.

**Author's Notes**:

Thank you **kurasuchi, Murayama-Tsuru, miso ramen goddess, dentedileone, and Karasu18** for your reviews. Isn't it odd how almost everyone seems to like this ship, and yet there's hardly any fic for it? I guess this isn't that big a fandom, though.

Katsura's policy of not using his group to rescue comrades is explained in the manga when he thinks Elizabeth's been captured. It's why he asked the Yorozuya trio for help on that occasion.

The last sentence is inspired by Sorachi's statement in **Q&A Corner #17**:

_The rebel Zura is modeled after Katsura Kogoro, who was called "Runaway Kogoro" because he used all kinds of tricks and disguises to elude the Shinsengumi. Even though a lot of the rebels from that era died from assassination or in battle, Kogoro lived on for years afterward. Samurai are obsessed with appearances. They're the kind of guys who'll walk right up and go, "You Shinsengumi are losers," and get killed, so I fell in love with the image of a special case who, when he runs away, would do it single-mindedly, giving it his all. So that's how Zura turned out like that. Though with Zura it's not camouflage. He seems to be having fun doing it too, doesn't he?_

Also Gintama!Katsura is a superhero. (As are Gintoki, Okita, and Hijikata of course.)


	3. Romance Works Best When There's Just The

**Chapter Three: Romance Works Best When There's Just The Two Of You**

So this was her new life as a wanted criminal on the run.

Ikumatsu had a pounding head-ache and an upset stomach. She was lying on a futon in a dingy apartment which reeked of rotten milk and dog hair. Elizabeth had warned her by sign to keep quiet, then gone out again. Each tiny sound outside set her heartbeat racing. It was all too obvious that this place didn't belong to Katsura. Not only was it too messy for his fastidious personality, Elizabeth had broken the back window to get them in.

She'd had her moment of triumph, though. It was mostly the explosion that caused Okita to lose hold of her, but Ikumatsu had done her part to escape by biting his arm. She'd been pumped up with the adrenaline of the moment. Maybe that was how Katsura always felt.

The triumph had swiftly turned to terror and nausea, as she was carried over the rooftops by Katsura's Amanto companion. A subsequent ride on the back of Elizabeth's motorcycle was only slightly better. Elizabeth had given her a helmet to wear, but at the speed they were traveling, no helmet in the world could have saved her in a crash.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft knocking. She lay absolutely still, waiting for the visitor to realize no one was at home and go away. But the knocking continued. There was a pattern to it, she thought, as if the knock were some sort of code. Slowly, she got to her feet and edged towards the bedroom door. She slid it open a crack. The main room of the apartment was empty. The knocking was coming from the entry way.

The Shinsengumi would never knock, she realized. Neither would the owners. To be so persistent, the person outside must know the apartment wasn't empty. She might as well open the door and find out what was going on. Quickly, she crossed the room, and slid open the front door.

"You forgot the counter-knock, Eliz-" began the figure in the darkness outside.

Ikumatsu grabbed Katsura and pulled him in.

"Ikumatsu-dono!"

She turned from pulling the door shut, and her jaw dropped. Katsura looked like an extra in a horror movie. His hair was matted with blood. His torn clothes were drenched in it. A checkered tablecloth tied around his shoulder stood out from the rest of the ensemble.

"I told Elizabeth to look after you," said Katsura plaintively. "Where's Elizabeth?"

"How would I know? Come sit down." She put her arm around Katsura to give him some support.

"Never mind, Elizabeth left a note," Katsura announced, showing her a placard he'd noticed on the entrance-way table. It read: GONE FOR GROCERIES. BE BACK SOON.

"Are you all right, Ikumatsu-dono?" he asked, as she helped him to a couch.

"I'm fine. You don't look so well, Katsura-san."

He gave her a weak smile. "I need to wash my hair," he said. "Ah, the blood's got on you too! I'm sorry!"

"Don't worry. My clothes were already a mess." She sat down beside him on the couch. "It looks like your tablecloth is working as a bandage, so I won't touch it. Where did you get it?"

"From a laundry line outside a rooftop window."

"Oh, _of course_."

"I'm an expert at improvising bandages," he continued explaining. "In fact, Ikumatsu-dono, I doubt you could find any other samurai who could tie a bandage so well while simultaneously fleeing the enemy."

"I'll keep that in mind if I ever need to find such a man," Ikumatsu replied sarcastically, and regretted it immediately. She liked to think that she played an important role keeping Katsura's delusions of grandeur in check. That he returned again and again to her company suggested he didn't resent her sharp retorts. But today he deserved only kindness from her. "How badly are you hurt underneath the bandages, Katsura-san?" she added hurriedly.

"The sword went through my shoulder." He said this with perfect calmness, as though this sort of thing happened to him on a regular basis. Ikumatsu gasped.

"Elizabeth will know what to do. It's not the first time, Ikumatsu-dono." He reached out and awkwardly touched her hand. She felt her face flush and then saw his face reddening as well. He pulled back his hand hurriedly, as though he'd been burnt.

"Would you like to lie down?" she asked him. "There's a futon in the other room."

"I'm comfortable here, thank you."

They sat together in silence. As usual. Whenever she was alone with Katsura, she was the one who had to force a conversation. He would just sit and stare at her if she let him. He always seemed in these pauses as though he were just about to say something, but couldn't bring himself to say it. Today looked as though it would be no different.

"What's next?" she asked him directly.

"Elizabeth will make us supper when she's back. You must be starving, Ikumatsu-dono."

"No, the Shinsengumi gave me dinner," she told him.

"They fed you? They never feed their Joui prisoners!"

"I'm not Joui, Katsura-san."

"You may not be Joui, but you have the pure heart and courage of a true patriot, Ikumatsu-dono."

Ikumatsu snorted. "True patriot, my ass. I'm just too stubborn to let people boss me around."

Katsura seemed to consider the point before replying. "True. You should be the one bossing others around."

"What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying I'm bossy?"

Katsura flinched. "No, I meant you have the qualities of a leader."

"I'll leave being a leader to you. It seems to involve jumping off too many buildings."

"Oh you watched that interview? What did you think of it?" There was a hopeful look in his eyes. "Elizabeth and I worked very hard choreographing those action scenes."

It was at times like this that Ikumatsu had no idea what she was doing keeping company with Katsura. There were plenty of things she could tell him about his idiotic interview, starting with her opinion of the bomb he'd bundled with his sympathetic letter. On any other day, she would have said them. But she couldn't say them to him today, not when he was covered in his own blood, with a hole in his shoulder from having rescued her.

There was one obvious truth she had to point out to him, though.

"I'm afraid filming the interview in my restaurant gave the Shinsengumi the idea to use me as bait, Katsura-san."

Katsura's dark eyes widened. "I never imagined even the Shinsengumi could stoop so low! Please accept my apologies, Ikumatsu-dono."

"I went along with it," she admitted bitterly. "I should never have let the film crew in."

"Your soup was magnificent," said Katsura consolingly.

"Soup? Why are you talking about soup?"

"The memory of that bowl of soup has warmed my heart through the bitter coldness of many a night."

The sound of a motorcycle outside broke his reverie. "Elizabeth!"

He jumped to his feet just as if he hadn't just tottered in looking like he was on death's door. He slid open the front door - throwing secrecy to the wind - and leaned over the porch's railing. Ikumatsu followed him, ready to grab him if he lost his footing. Elizabeth was indeed dismounting from her motorcycle in the street below, flippers loaded down with grocery bags.

"Elizabeth! You're not wearing your helmet!" he shouted. "How many times must I tell you to take proper care of yourself?"

THE HELMET WAS TOO SMALL read Elizabeth's sign.

Katsura put his palm to his face. "I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. I forgot to specify the helmet size to our comrades." He was holding tight to the railing to support himself, Ikumatsu realized. He turned his head towards her. "Did your helmet fit at least, Ikumatsu-dono?"

"Yes. Elizabeth made sure that I wore it. Katsura-san, please come in. What if the Shinsengumi were to see you out here?"

"This is the last place the Shinsengumi would ever look for me," said Katsura confidently, but he allowed her to take his arm and bring him back to the couch.

Elizabeth followed them inside with the grocery bags.

"I hope you remembered to buy hair conditioner," Katsura told Elizabeth.

Elizabeth dropped the bags on the table and pulled out another sign: THERE'S ALREADY CONDITIONER IN THE WASHROOM.

"A samurai's hair should not smell of strawberries, Elizabeth! I can't believe you forgot to buy something so important."

DON'T PUSH IT.

"The important thing is Elizabeth-san brought painkillers and dressing for your wound," Ikumatsu interrupted. She had been looking through the bags while Katsura and Elizabeth argued. "Are you really so vain about your hair?"

"I am _not _vain about my hair. But a leader has to maintain his dignity at all times," insisted Katsura, folding his arms and tilting his chin defiantly

Ikumatsu ignored him. "Elizabeth-san, I'll cook dinner while you help Katsura-san."

"Would you make that soup again?" asked Katsura. "Elizabeth hasn't yet had the privilege of tasting it."

"I'll see what I can do, Katsura-san."

Once in the kitchen, she stood staring at the wall, her mind too busy to begin work. She appreciated that he enjoyed her cooking, but this soup obsession was just another example of how confusing he could be.

On the one hand, he was the famous Joui hero, for whom self-sacrifice and duty were everything. It had hurt like hell the first time he'd left her, when she thought she would probably never see him again. But then he'd show up and act as though the only important things in the world were her cooking and her company. Only to disappear again for months at a time

She shook herself from that reverie. She had a whole new slate of problems now. She hoped Katsura didn't think she was ready to join his organization now. She might have nowhere to go and no one to rely on but Katsura, but she wasn't going to throw out her own morals for his.

But for now, she'd concentrate on making the best damn soup Elizabeth had ever tasted.

* * *

"Another patented Hijikata screw-up," Okita greeted his Vice-Commander with a languid manner that belied the last few hours he'd spent scrambling over roofs and through dark alleys.

"Pfahh, who let go of that woman?"

"Didn't I hear you saying she didn't matter anymore? You had Katsura just where you wanted him, right?"

Hijikata ignored him. "You were right on his tail. How did you lose him?"

Okita yawned. "I've never slighted his skills at running away, now, have I?"

"We'll continue searching for him. He can't keep running with that wound. I've already sent out the other divisions. "

"Good thinking, Hijikata-san. Have fun." Okita turned towards the barracks.

"Idiot! You're taking the first division out again. You know better than anyone his usual haunts."

"If he's at any of his regular places, he's stupider than even I imagined." Okita's bored expression suddenly was replaced by a startlingly pleasant smile. "This might not be a waste of time after all, Hijikata-san."

"Just get out there and find him."

"And her."

"Oi, Sougo, don't bother about the woman unless it helps you get Katsura. We can charge her with being a damn nuisance later."

Okita shook his head. "I'll bring them both in." He glanced down at his forearm and Hijikata noticed his sleeve had been ripped. "I owe Ikumatsu-san my personal attention."

Hijikata shuddered.

* * *

Ikumatsu had just finishing cooking when she heard the bathroom door open. She finished laying out the dishes on a tray, then went out to check on Katsura.

His long, dark hair was now cleaned of the blood, and he was wearing an immaculate white-and-blue yukata that was strangely familiar. She'd often seen that pattern of blue waves against a white background. Only, the yukata was usually worn hanging off the owner's shoulder, with the right sleeve trailing behind him.

"Katsura-san, is that . . . Gin-san's yukata?" she asked in disbelief. All the little details suddenly began to add up. "This isn't Gin-san's apartment is it?"

"Gintoki's an old friend of mine. He's always very happy to help out."

"He gave you permission to use his place?"

"He's a very old friend," Katsura replied, as though this explained everything. "Ah, that smells wonderful, Ikumatsu-dono."

Another horrible thought struck her. "The Shinsengumi know you come here sometimes," she protested. "They followed you here during that interview."

Katsura laughed. "That's all the more reason why we're safe hidden away here. No one would ever imagine that we'd hide in the first place we might be found."

"That doesn't make any sense, Katsura-san!"

Elizabeth held up a sign: DON'T WORRY. WE CAN ALWAYS RUN.

"Well said, Elizabeth." Katsura patted his companion on the back.

"No, we can't always run," snapped Ikumatsu. "_You_ can't run. Oh, just go sit down. Supper's ready."

They had just settled down to eat when there was a knock on the door. Katsura jumped to his feet. "Confound it!" he hissed. "How did they ever guess we were here?"

"Open up, you lazy bum! I know you're in there!" But it was a harsh, female voice, not the policeman's command she'd dreaded.

Katsura relaxed "It's a friend," he told her. He smoothed out his yukata, then went to open the door. "Catherine-dono," she could hear him saying, "How good to see you again."

"Don't put me off. Tell your no-good friend to get out here with the money in ten seconds or he'll regret it."

"I'm sorry, Catherine-dono, Gintoki's gone out of town for a few days. Would you like me to take a message for him?"

"You think I was born yesterday?" There was a brief scuffling sound, then the owner of the voice entered the room. She was a stony-faced woman of indeterminate age: an Amanto, judging by the cat ears perched upon her head. Katsura tottered in after her.

"Who is that?" the woman demanded, pointing at Ikumatsu.

"Catherine-dono, this is my good friend, Ikumatsu-dono."

It wasn't clear if Catherine had heard a word of Katsura's introduction, however, for she had set off immediately to search the rest of the apartment for the elusive Gin-san.

"That was impolite," huffed Katsura, looking after her.

A loud slurp behind him drew his attention. He wheeled around to see Elizabeth downing her whole bowl of soup.

"Elizabeth! Where are your manners?" he cried.

Elizabeth held up another sign. SECONDS?

"Help yourself, Elizabeth-san," said Ikumatsu.

THANK YOU, IKUMATSU-DONO.

Katsura nodded. "There you go, Elizabeth. _Even among intimate friends there should be courtesy._"

Catherine burst into the room again. "You brought a woman in here while Sakata-san was gone!" she snapped. "What do you think this is: a love hotel?"

Katsura gasped. "What sort of filthy mind do you have to imagine such a thing, Catherine-dono?" His cheeks had turned beet red.

"We charge 2000 yen an hour," replied Catherine briskly. "How many hours do you want?"

"Ikumatsu-dono, cover your ears!" spluttered Katsura.

"I'm not covering my ears." Ikumatsu stood up and folded her arms. "Young lady, I don't know what sort of manners you were taught on your planet, but I'll thank you to keep your innuendo to yourself."

_YOUNG_ LADY? asked Elizabeth's sign. Thankfully, Catherine didn't notice it.

"Hah! We'll see what the boss has to say to you!" Catherine retorted. She turned back to Katsura. "Pay up or get out. I know you've got the money. Bombs don't grow on trees, eh?"

"I am not paying for an apartment my friend Gintoki already rents," Katsura said stubbornly.

"Rents? That's a laugh. Your dear friend Gintoki hasn't paid the rent for three months."

Katsura's eyes widened. "_Three months?" _He shook his head. "How can a samurai live with such dishonour?"

"On the street!" replied Catherine.

"I am deeply ashamed of Gintoki's behaviour, Catherine-dono. He has behaved like a ungrateful wretch to you and Otose-dono. This is certainly not the way he was brought up to behave."

"Are you going to pay or not?" Catherine demanded.

Katsura shook his head. "I wouldn't want to encourage his disgraceful behaviour."

"Oi, that's no use to me!"

"Have you checked in the toilet tank?" asked Katsura.

"What?"

"On occasion, Gintoki has been known to keep his money in a waterproof packet, then hide it in the toilet tank."

Catherine took off for the bathroom.

"Gintoki's a _very _old friend," Katsura explained again to Ikumatsu.

**Author's Notes:** This poor fic has been through some troubled times. The worst bit was when my laptop cord broke and I hadn't backed up the document anywhere else, so I had to wait till I had the computer back again to finish writing. But it's back underway again, so that's what counts. As for why it's grown longer, it started with Catherine nosing her way in, and pretty soon it appeared that there'd be more happening than I counted on.

**_Even among intimate friends there should be courtesy._****" (親しい仲にも礼儀あり) **is a Japanese proverb, which seemed to suit Katsura, whose formality it matches, and who likes to quote proverbs, much to Ikumatsu's annoyance. Remember this exchange in Episode 39?

**Katsura: **Three years on top of a rock.**  
Ikumatsu: **What happens on top of a rock? Something nice, or what?

**MiddayFiddler**: Your comment about Okita being in character made me grin. I started writing Gintama fic just so I could write dialogue for Okita. I love how dreadful he can be.

**Loteva:** I enjoy writing dialogue more than anything else. I usually think out my conversations for before writing them down, listening to them in my head till I think I've got them right.

**Kurasuchi:** Yeah, I love Okita/Kagura, but my other favourite ships are all woefully unrepresented. I do have your Gin/Tsukuyo story on my reading list, as that's another of my favourite ships.

**an .co. .xx: **Romance is next chapter. :-) As the title of this chapter suggests, there are too many people around at the moment. Catherine would put a damper on any love scene.

**dentedileone: **Your thoughts on why there's so little fic for this ship make a lot of sense. Of course, if we didn't already know that Katsura and Ikumatsu marry in real life, she'd just be that character who showed up a couple of times, who may or may not ever show up again.

**miso ramen goddess: **I used to be in Harry Potter fandom, which was crazy big. There was fic for any pairing you could imagine. But Gintama fandom is much nicer. Smaller but a lot less craziness.

**Murayama-Tsuru: **We are united in our shared love of Zura. But you already knew that.


	4. Don't you know that love itself is made

**Chapter Four: Don't You Know That Love Itself Is Made Up Of Unnecessary Things?**

Without ever being invited, Catherine had joined them for supper. She was in a comparatively good mood now, having discovered a wad of bills in a waterproof packet in Gintoki's toilet tank. Only twenty thousand yen, she complained, but it seemed to reconcile her to Katsura's presence.

"How long are you planning to stay here?" she asked Katsura, almost politely.

"Just one night, Catherine-dono. It's important to move your hide-out on a regular basis, you know."

"Hmpph. I wouldn't know about the criminal life," said Catherine. "We're out of food," she added, giving Ikumatsu a meaningful look.

"There are strawberry pudding snacks in the cupboard," Ikumatsu replied. She wasn't going to be bullied into further cooking.

Elizabeth took off for the kitchen.

Katsura shook his head. "Elizabeth can never give up these junk foods. It's her one weakness."

"_Her_?" scoffed Catherine. "With those legs?"

Katsura folded his arms and frowned. "Elizabeth suffers from a rare medical condition that causes excessive hair growth on her legs. It would be best if you didn't mention it, Catherine-dono. She's very sensitive about the subject."

Catherine snorted. Ikumatsu said nothing. There was nothing one _could_ say to Katsura about Elizabeth. She'd asked, of course. But as far as Katsura was concerned, Elizabeth was Elizabeth, and that was that.

"There's an educational program on TV tonight," Katsura continued. "About the big cats of Africa. I think it would be very interesting."

"There's a thousand yen rental fee for using the television," said Catherine.

"In that case, Catherine-dono, you may add it to Gintoki's bill," said Katsura firmly.

"Hah," said Catherine. She stood up. "I have better things to do with my time than sit around here. Remember, one night only. You'll have to find somewhere else for your love-nest, Katsura-san."

"Catherine-dono, please stop casting these aspersions on Ikumatsu-dono's character," Katsura replied. "Ikumatsu-dono has Gintoki's bedroom. I am sleeping on the sofa."

Ikumatsu privately resolved to force Katsura to take the futon. But she wasn't about to open herself up to more of Catherine's lewd suggestions by raising the issue right now.

Catherine only replied to Katsura with a "Hmpph."

"Elizabeth is here to chaperone us, as well, Catherine-dono," Katsura called after her as she left. Then once the screen closed, he turned to Ikumatsu.

"I'm very sorry, Ikumatsu-dono. You shouldn't have been exposed to such coarseness."

"Katsura-san, I'm not a blushing, young girl to be damaged by her rudeness."

Katsura, on the other hand, _was _blushing.

"I'm glad she's left," Katsura continued, looking steadfastly towards the television instead of at her. "I think she would be the sort of person who would talk over the narrator. Are you interested in nature documentaries, Ikumatsu-dono?"

"I don't watch much television, Katsura-san."

"A Joui patriot must keep abreast of the current trends in popular culture," Katsura said quickly. "So we must watch television shows that we would otherwise not care for."

"You're not a television addict, then?" teased Ikumatsu.

"Certainly not, Ikumatsu-dono," said Katsura with dignity.

Elizabeth came out of the kitchen, carrying an umbrella.

"Elizabeth, where are you going?" asked Katsura.

IT'S JOUI STRATEGY MEETING AND GAMES NIGHT, REMEMBER?

Katsura groaned. "I forgot! They'll be expecting me there."

NO. I'M GOING FOR YOU, Elizabeth explained.

"But, Elizabeth, I needed to report on the success of Operation Art Attack."

I CAN GIVE THE REPORT.

"You can't possibly be thinking of going out in your condition," Ikumatsu chided Katsura. "And why do the Jouishishi have a games night?"

"Games teach strategic planning and thinking under fire," said Katsura. "Doesn't a samurai first learn the business of war on a Shogi board?"

"You play Shogi?"

Katsura looked uncomfortable. "We have the odd game."

TONIGHT IS OUR BIMONTHLY UNO TOURNAMENT, Elizabeth explained.

"Uno? That kids' game with the coloured cards?"

"Uno is not a kids' game!" protested Katsura. "It is a complicated game of strategy. It has been said of Uno that it takes minutes to learn to play, but a lifetime to master."

YOU COULD TEACH IKUMATSU-DONO.

Katsura's face brightened. "Do you have a deck of cards, Elizabeth? Mine were soaked through with blood."

Elizabeth produced a red packet from the folds of her sheets.

"Fresh cards with that new crisp feeling," said Katsura enthusiastically. "Have a good time, Elizabeth! Remember not to stay out past midnight! And look both ways before crossing the road!"

Elizabeth held up a sign: I'LL REMEMBER, KATSURA-SAN, before leaving via the front door.

"Elizabeth is very responsible," said Katsura thoughtfully. "But I can't help worrying about her sometimes. She doesn't take enough thought for her safety."

To Ikumatsu's mind, Elizabeth had only taken on Katsura's own disregard for safety, but she left that thought unspoken. "I'm sure Elizabeth will be fine. I'll turn on the TV, shall I?"

Katsura brightened. "Yes, thank you. I'll teach you to play Uno after the show."

* * *

Okita Sougo was in a good mood. This might not have been apparent to a casual observer. He had several times expressed the sentiment that the Vice-Commander had thoroughly bungled this operation, leaving it to the First Division to clean up his mess, as usual, and it'd be no thanks to Hijikata-san if they were successful. He yawned intermittently giving the impression that he would much rather be in bed than searching Kabukichou for Katsura. But there was a certain quickness to his step and a crisp quality to the tone in which he gave his orders that veterans of his division could easily recognize as enjoyment. Captain Okita was on the hunt for prey.

_Yorozuya Gin-chan_ was not his first stop. First had been the woman's ramen shop, just in case Katsura was brazen enough to return there. Next, he'd covered a few of the more likely Joui meeting spots. But since none of these places had panned out, he'd turned his attention to the Yorozuya's residence. It was supposed to be empty while the misfit trio were out of town, and he'd tracked Katsura there more than a few times. It might just be Katsura's hiding spot tonight.

And even if Katsura didn't turn out to be there, Okita wasn't adverse to the idea of searching the apartment. Getting the inside goods on the Yorozuya would be interesting enough.

He cautioned his men to stay silent on approaching the house. He'd stationed armed men in the alley behind the house. He was carrying his bazooka ready for action, and about to put his foot on the first step of the stairs that led up to the Yorozuya's second floor, when someone exited the shop on the main floor.

One of Okita's men tackled the newcomer: seemingly a customer who'd chosen to leave at the wrong time. Yet, he didn't quite cut off the man's yelp of astonishment. A moment later, the bead curtain was pulled open by a more formidable figure: An elderly woman with a scowl that would have frozen the blood of anyone less brazen than Okita Sougo.

Okita sprinted up the stairs and thrust his boot through the screen door of the apartment. "Good evening, Katsura!" he called.

The Shinsengumi men poured into the apartment after their captain. Behind them, taking a little more time to leisurely climb the stairs, followed Otose.

"Oi oi, what are you doing to my house, young man?" she demanded as she entered the apartment.

"Captain, there's blood on the sofa too!" one of the men was telling Okita.

"CAPTAIN, COME HERE! THERE'S A HOLE IN THE FLOOR OF THE BATHROOM!"

Okita ran towards the bathroom

There was indeed a large hole in the floor of the bathroom. "Get down there now," he ordered one of his men who was peering down into the hole. Before the unfortunate subordinate could contemplate the best way to lower himself through the hole, Okita had kicked him through it. There was another crash and a loud cry beneath.

Okita dropped quickly through the hole, landing on his feet. His subordinate managed to roll out of his way before his captain landed on him.

The room below was in uproar. The men Okita had left at the door were wrestling a hysterical old man who was trying to escape, and that cat-eared Amanto woman was shouting, "Don't you dare let him out! He hasn't paid his bill!"

Okita took one look at the bald old man, then ordered his men to let him go. "I'm only interested in customers with hair," he remarked. He looked back to the Amanto woman. "Bring everyone out where I can see them."

"That was our only customer," she snapped. "Are you planning to pay his bill?"

"Compensation isn't my line of business," Okita replied calmly. "But be sure to apply to the Vice-Commander about the bill. I'm sure he'd love to attend to you."

"There's no one in the apartment," one of his men reported, calling through the hole above.

"Of course, there's no one in this apartment," came an acid voice from the door. He turned around to see Otose standing there. "If you'd stood still for a moment, I could have told you that myself. If you're looking for the sugar addict, he's out of town, and won't be coming back unless he pays the rent upfront for this newly renovated apartment."

"This is newly renovated?" Okita asked, pointing at the hole in the ceiling.

"I'm putting in a laundry chute. Were you interested in renting?"

Okita looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you offer a discount for the bloodstains?"

"We'll paint them over before a new tenant moves in. I'm afraid I had a bloody nose today when we were working."

Okita nodded. "I expect you'll have no problem at all renting this luxurious apartment, Otose-san. For the moment, though, could I trouble you to hand over Katsura?"

"You think I'd let a terrorist in my place," Otose scoffed. "The idiots upstairs cause me quite enough trouble without adding to their ranks."

"Is that so?" said Okita mildly. "Forgive me if I check for myself."

For the next few minutes, Otose and Catherine stood watching the Shinsengumi search the room. Okita went back upstairs, then returned, having satisfied himself that his men were right. The Yorozuya's apartment was empty.

"There's no one in this building, captain," one of his men finally ventured.

"Not anymore," agreed Okita. "All right, let's move out." He pushed through the bead curtain, then suddenly raised his bazooka.

"KATSURA!" He pulled the trigger.

There was a shout of surprise in the darkness outside. "DAMN YOU SOUGO!"

"Captain Okita, I think that was the Vice-Commander . . ."

"Oh, really?" Okita peered out into the street.

"Get over here you bastard!"

"Hijikata-san, I saw a dark suspicious figure skulking in the shadows. Anyone would have assumed - "

"I came to check up on your progress. You haven't found anything useful, have you?"

"You really have no confidence in me, Hijikata-san. As it happens, I've made some interesting discoveries."

"Oh?"

"Danna uses strawberry toothpaste. I never even knew there was such a thing. His underwear drawer . . "

"Oi Okita, would you like a new job as a gossip columnist for the Kabuki-chou News?" Hijikata interrupted. "Because, one more word about Yorozuya's underwear drawer and you won't have a job in the Shinsengumi."

"Ah well, Hijikata-san, what can I say? There are bloodstains all over the apartment, but the old bat downstairs swears she had a nosebleed while doing renovations. Anyway, if Katsura was here, he's gone now."

"So I was right. You've got nothing to show for all the time you've spent here."

"You couldn't be more wrong, Vice-Commander." Okita pulled a slim red volume from his breast pocket.

"What is that?" Hijikata demanded.

If Okita's smile grew any larger, it would split his face. "It would appear to be China's diary."

* * *

Thankfully, Ikumatsu had never suffered from claustrophobia.

Katsura hadn't wasted a second once he'd heard the Shinsengumi outside in the alley. Without hesitation, he'd hastily smashed a hole in the floor, exchanged a few hushed words with the people below, then lowered her through the hole to them. There she'd been bundled into this cupboard without so much as a 'Hello' from Catherine and the old lady who seemed to run the place.

She could hear the search through the walls of her hiding place, and dreaded that any moment the door might fly open, and she would be back in Captain Okita's custody. But that hadn't happened. Instead, it seemed as though the Shinsengumi had finally left without finding her or Katsura.

She could hear Catherine and the older woman discussing the cost of replacing the screen upstairs. They would wait to be sure that Okita was really gone before letting her out, of course. She resigned herself to a long wait in the darkness.

At last the cupboard was opened. She crawled out, blinking, and rubbed her eyes before taking in the room beyond.

"That's her! She's the one I told you about!" hissed Catherine.

"Where are your manners, Catherine?" asked the older woman, extending Ikumatsu a hand to stand. "I'm Otose," she told her.

"My name is Ikumatsu, Otose-san. Thank you for hiding me."

"You're lucky I have that hidden cupboard for stashing the expensive liquor," said Otose.

"We had to bribe those customers with two of our most expensive bottles," Catherine complained. "It's only fair Katsura-san pays for those."

Otose raised an eyebrow. "So, that long-haired idiot's found a girlfriend. Will wonders never cease?"

"I'm not Katsura-san's girlfriend," said Ikumatsu quickly.

"Why not?" asked Otose bluntly.

Ikumatsu stared at her. "I . . . He's never even . . ."

"_Hmpph_. You're not getting any younger."

"You'll end up an old maid," said Catherine spitefully.

"Like you're one to talk, Catherine," Otose replied curtly, before Ikumatsu could respond. "There's nothing wrong with being an old maid. But if you're sitting around waiting for a man to make his move, you're wasting time you could spend a lot more usefully."

"You don't have to worry about me dying an old maid, Catherine-san," Ikumatsu told her sweetly. "I'm a widow."

Otose gave her a hard look. "Well, then, you should know if it's worth it."

Ikumatsu couldn't think of anything to say to that. She was saved from replying by Katsura rushing in the door.

"Ikumatsu-dono, you're safe. Otose-dono, Catherine-dono, how can I ever thank you enough for taking care of her?"

Otose fixed Katsura with her most withering stare. "You can take her off our hands and look after her properly yourself. What were you even thinking bringing her here?"

"I'm sorry," Katsura offered again, looking very meek and repentant. "I made an unforgivable error in judgment."

"Well, I don't know about that," said Otose. "I wouldn't forgive you, but she might, if you make it up to her."

Katsura looked hopefully towards Ikumatsu.

"We're all safe, Katsura-san," she told him. "That's what matters, right?"

"Yes!" said Katsura happily. "Ikumatsu-dono, I don't think the Shinsengumi will return here. Would it be all right if we stayed here, just for the night?"

Ikumatsu nodded. "I don't see why not."

"Get along with you," Otose ordered. "It's high time you went to bed."

Katsura agreed, but once they were outside the shop, he whispered to Ikumatsu. "Do you still want to play that game of Uno, Ikumatsu-dono?"

Ikumatsu couldn't have cared less about Uno, but she agreed. She gave him her arm to help him up the stairs, though he seemed to be managing well enough on his own.

"How did you evade the Shinsengumi, Katsura-san?" she asked, once they were back inside the apartment.

Katsura laughed merrily. "It was very easy. I wedged myself into a space I found in the rafters over Gintoki's futon. It was almost as though someone had already made a hiding place there."

They sat down on opposite sides of the coffee table. Ikumatsu watched him as he began to shuffle the cards. Only a few minutes ago, his confidence had been severely shaken, and yet, here he was back to his ordinary, exuberant self.

"Katsura-san, we can't go on this way."

"No. It's all right. It doesn't take very long to play a game of UNO. See, each player gets seven cards." He started dealing out two piles.

Ikumatsu sighed. "Do I get to look at my cards?"

"Yes, but be careful not to let me see your hand or I'll have an unfair advantage over you. The point of this game is to discard all your cards before the other player does. Don't be discouraged if you do badly at first, Ikumatsu-dono. It takes time and practice to develop a winning strategy."

"I'm only playing one game," she reminded him.

"There'll be plenty of opportunities to play other games."

"Katsura-san . . . I can't."

He looked up, surprised. "You don't have to worry, Ikumatsu-dono! It's not a hard game to play."

Ikumatsu shook her head. "It's a hard life to live, though, isn't it?"

"Oh." He put down his cards. "It's not an easy life," he said slowly, looking straight into her face. "But you haven't lived an easy life either, have you?"

Ikumatsu laughed bitterly. "I've never had a choice. I didn't choose to end up all alone running that restaurant."

Katsura shook his head. "You chose not to give up, Ikumatsu-dono."

"And look where that's got me."

Katsura opened his mouth as if to say something, then stopped, and continued to watch her intently.

"I can't join the Jouishishi, Katsura-san. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life running away from the government because you have these ideals." She blinked her eyes, trying to push back the aching feeling of impending tears. "I can't just throw away my morals for yours."

"I never wanted you to," he said hoarsely. "I only wanted you to be safe. But I made it worse."

"You didn't make it worse!" she said quickly. "You saved me from that brother-in-law of mine, Katsura-san. And you gave me hope . . . " her voice failed her, and the tears she'd been trying to hold back fell freely down her cheeks.

Katsura left his seat and moved to her side. "Don't cry, Ikumatsu-dono." He pressed a handkerchief into her hand. "Please, I'll do everything I can to protect you."

She wiped the treacherous tears away as best she could. "I know you would. But Katsura-san, I can't run away and let those bastards take away my life, everything I've built up. Not without a fight."

"But Ikumatsu-dono, you can't fight the Shinsengumi. They're merciless killers: a pack of rabid wolves."

"Do you think they would have killed me, Katsura-san?"

Katsura took a deep breath. "I couldn't bear for you to be hurt."

"I hardly know them and you've fought against them for so long. Tell me the truth. If I returned myself to police custody, what would they do to me?"

"You can't go back there, Ikumatsu-dono."

"Please answer me, Katsura-san."

"They wouldn't kill you," Katsura admitted. "And they reserve their worst tortures for us Jouishishi. If you interested them enough, they'd try to break your spirit. But more likely they'd just send you to prison. _Please_, Ikumatsu-dono. Let me protect you."

She wiped the tears away from her eyes again, and now saw that there were tears running down his cheeks. "Katsura-san, you need this handkerchief as much as I do," she said, laughing a little. She reached out and dabbed his cheeks with it.

"If I could only give you back your ordinary life, I'd be content to disappear forever," said Katsura. "But -"

"But that isn't going to happen, so why talk about it?" Ikumatsu replied.

"I won't be defeated so easily," said Katsura suddenly.

"What?"

"You told me once, Ikumatsu-dono, that if we can't save those closest to us, we should forget about saving this country."

"Katsura-san, I said some harsh things to you . . . I . . I guessed you were Joui, and I wanted you to feel my pain. I was so bitter then . . ."

"You were kinder to me than I deserved, Ikumatsu-dono. I'd let _my _bitterness eat away at me so that I couldn't even see the suffering of others. I don't know why you've forgiven me, but I'm not going to betray you by making you suffer even more."

"Katsura-san, you don't control the whole world," she told him affectionately.

A gleam appeared in Katsura's eyes. "Sometimes, one man can change the world," he insisted. "If his will is pure enough."

Ikumatsu laughed. "I'll believe that when I see it."

Katsura looked a bit hurt. "Ikumatsu-dono, I have a practical plan. I may not be able to influence the Shinsengumi, but I know someone who can."

"Really?" Ikumatsu was dubious, but Katsura never failed to surprise her.

"Tomorrow I'll take you to a certain person who can help us. I promise you, Ikumatsu-dono, I'll do everything I possibly can to return you to your shop."

Ikumatsu couldn't doubt the sincerity in his voice. And was there any point in doubting his mysterious plan? For better or for worse, her fortunes were tied to Katsura's. She didn't know what would happen, but clearly, they would find out together.

Because she couldn't bear to be separated from him.

"Katsura-san . . ."

"Yes, Ikumatsu-dono?"

"You said you'd disappear forever if you could get me back my shop."

"Yes, if you wanted me to," he said slowly.

"Don't ever leave me," she told him, gazing up into his eyes.

Katsura leaned in closer. Their noses were nearly touching. She closed her eyes, waiting for the touch of his lips.

"Ikumatsu-dono . . . " he whispered. "I . . . I . . . Shouldn't Elizabeth be back by now?" He pulled back from her, looking wildly around the room as if he expected Elizabeth to pop out from a corner.

Blind rage flooded through Ikumatsu's veins. She had been ready to give her heart to this idiot, and all he could care about was that weird duck-thing.

She was about to get up and retreat to the bathroom, where she could cry her heart out over this rejection, but she hesitated as the small little details came into focus. The flush on his cheeks. His clenched fists with their white knuckles. Her anger disappeared. Katsura Kotarou, who walked with death as a constant friend, couldn't work up the courage to kiss her.

She could wait for him to find that courage. It might take him ten years. It might never happen. Or she could find it for him. Now.

"Forget about Elizabeth for a moment," Ikumatsu ordered him. "Look at me."

Katsura turned his face towards her, his eyes questioning.

Ikumatsu leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

The effect on him was electric. Without hesitation, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her back. His long, black hair hung in silky sheets against her cheek and neck. _Strawberries_, she thought faintly, taking in the scent. Gin-san's conditioner smelled very nice on him after all.

As he drew his lips back from hers she buried her face in his neck. He was holding her so tight she could hardly breathe, but she didn't care. She could stay this way as long as he wanted.

"This doesn't change what you said before, does it?" he whispered.

"No." She pulled back a little from him.

"I didn't think so," he said quietly. He gently took her chin into his hand. "What is this then?" he asked, gazing into her eyes.

"A promise," she ventured.

He nodded. "Yes. There will be a day when I give you my sword to put away for me."

"Will there?" she asked, "What if that day never comes, Katsura-san?"

"I promise you," he said stubbornly.

There was nothing she could say to that. That was how he was. Stubborn, noble, ridiculously optimistic, and somehow so dear to her she could hardly believe it.

* * *

About an hour later, Elizabeth returned from the Joui Strategy Meeting and Games Night. She made no noise, tiptoeing into the living room.

An interesting sight awaited Elizabeth there. Katsura and Ikumatsu had fallen asleep on the sofa. Katsura was still sitting – Elizabeth was used to his tendency to sleep in odd positions with his eyes wide open – while she was slumped against him. He had, Elizabeth noted with interest, his arms around Ikumatsu.

Elizabeth tiptoed on to the bedroom, gathered up the blankets on Gintoki's futon and returned to the sofa. Carefully, Elizabeth covered the sleepers, then with ease born of long practice, pushed Katsura's eyelids shut.

Satisfied, Elizabeth went back to sleep on the futon.

**Author's Note: **One more chapter, I think. And, of course, the title of this chapter is a quote from Katsura's speech to Kondou in the Owee Bentendo arc. Here's the full text:

**Ha ha ha ha ha. Not even a minute will be wasted? How absurd. Don't you know that love itself is made up of unnecessary things? An unnecessary flutter of the heart, an unnecessary sense of insecurity, unnecessary struggling, and unnecessary endings. But, who would ever claim they were all unnecessary? No, everything in life is gained by those so-called "unnecessary things."**

That's seriously one of the most beautiful descriptions I've ever read of romance. Katsura can be surprisingly astute sometimes.

Thanks to all my reviewers, and also to you silent readers who favourited and/or followed the previous chapters.

**Murayama-Tsuru: **I wondered how quickly readers would catch on to it being Gin's apartment. The strawberry-scented conditioner in the washroom was a big clue, of course.

**an .co. xx: **Just money in the toilet tank, sorry. And not that much of it. I just fancied the idea of Katsura knowing Gintoki long enough to know where he might hide his spare cash. The extra stuff I mentioned was Catherine and Otose's involvement in this story at all. The original outline for this story was much shorter, and didn't involve Gintoki's apartment or Okita raiding the place at all. But one idea leads to another, and suddenly there are a few thousand more words than expected.

**Loteva: **I loved the image of Katsura in Gintoki's clothing too. I expect someone's drawn fanart of it, I vaguely recall seeing a few pictures of the Joui 4 with switched outfits. But when I search for "Katsura in gintoki's clothing" I just get Katsura/Gintoki slash. So right now the image remains firmly in my imagination.

**Karasu18: **Thank you, I've thought a lot about Ikumatsu's character and watched the episode about a dozen times, seeing what I could glean from it about her.

**dentedileone: **Gintoki will come home in the next chapter. And one of these days, I need to write an Okita/Kagura fic. I have the idea for one floating around in my brain.

**kurasuchi: **I'm glad to hear it made you happy instead of wondering when I'd ever get to the _romance_ in this romance fic. This has stretched out much longer than I expected. Thank you for bearing along with it.


	5. The Female of the Species is Deadlier Th

**Author's Notes: **- Ah, long time, no update. Since starting this fic, Sorachi came through big-time and wrote a Katsura/Ikumatsu arc. Without giving any spoilers for non-manga readers, I'll say that a) it was awesome but b) in the general Sorachi shipping pattern, nothing was more than hinted at, so I didn't have to change the story, other than a few words here and there.

The one major change would be that this fic must happen after Hijikata and Okita watch a re-run of that Katsura interview, not directly after. I made the necessary edits to the previous chapters back in February.

(Manga readers will also know that Ikumatsu would have another concern if she was arrested by the Shinsengumi, but since I don't want to spoil the arc for anime-only fans, I decided to leave that concern out of the story. It's made clear in the arc that she has friends who would take care of that for her. Cryptic, I know, but that was seriously a great arc and I hope all fans will get to enjoy the twists in it as much as I did.)

I also should mention that I've made a deliberate choice for them not to get informal/drop the honorifics with each other. That's really a modern idea, and they're not that sort of people. Maybe when they get married one day . . .

- **And the story so far.** Ikumatsu and Katsura are hiding out in Gintoki's place (uninvited) from the Shinsengumi. Katsura's promised to take Ikumatsu to see someone whom he says has some influence with the Shinsengumi. Oh, and they fell asleep on Gintoki's sofa together.

**Chapter Five:**** The Female of the Species is Deadlier Than The Male**

Ikumatsu was learning that it was one thing to fall asleep comfortably in a loved one's embrace. It was quite another thing to wake in the middle of the night, body aching from her unnatural position, and find herself unable to shift from Katsura's grasp.

Carefully she began to wriggle her arm out from under his elbow while trying not to wake him. It was hard work. It seemed an eternity before she'd got her arm free. And then just as she was contemplating her next move, he shifted again, wrapping his arm back around hers.

"Ikumatsu-dono?" he asked sleepily.

"Yes?"

"Is this a dream?"

"You dream about having me in your arms, Katsura-san?" she asked slyly.

He suddenly relaxed his hold on her. "Of course not! I certainly would never be so inappropriate as to dream about taking you in my arms and doing _this_ and _that_- "

"Katsura-san."

"Yes, Ikumatsu-dono?"

"You're supposed to say that's _all_ you dream about."

He let go of her completely. "Most of my dreams aren't that pleasant," he said earnestly.

"Nightmares?" she asked fuzzily, nestling her head against his chest. "What do you have nightmares about? Being chased by the Shinsengumi?"

"Those dogs aren't even worth dreaming about," said Katsura fervently. "But sometimes I dream of being chased by Zombrows."

"Zombies?"

"No, not zombies. Zombrows. They're completely different. One is a slavering, mindless mockery of life. The other's a slavering, mindless mockery of life with a unibrow."

"Oh, the Ryo II Virus? That was unpleasant. But I can't really remember what it was like while I'd come down with it."

"I'm sure you made a very lovely Zombrow, Ikumatsu-dono."

"Are you saying I should grow a unibrow, Katsura-san?"

"No. It'd be better if you waxed your eyebrows."

She sat bolt upright. "What's wrong with my eyebrows?"

"There's nothing wrong with your eyebrows. They'd be incredibly lovely eyebrows if you'd just waxed them a little bit -"

Ikumatsu was about to jab him in the ribs but remembered in time that he was wounded. "This is why you're a bachelor at your age."

"I was just waiting for the right woman," Katsura protested.

"That and the hair." She ran her hands through the long, soft locks. "Women don't like their men to have longer hair than them."

"Elizabeth likes my hair."

"Would you prefer to have Elizabeth here with you?"

There was a moment's worrying silence, then he bent his head and kissed her lips. She supposed that answered the question. Elizabeth's beak wasn't suitable for kissing.

"But you need to get a good rest before we go out tomorrow," he added, a few seconds later. "You'd better go back to sleep, Ikumatsu-dono."

"I don't think I can sleep anymore," she admitted. "I'm stiff all over."

"I'm sorry! Was I was holding you too tightly?"

"No," she lied to spare his feelings. Katsura was too quickly overwhelmed by guilt as it was. "But don't you find it uncomfortable, sitting up while you're sleeping?"

"No, I don't. During the war, you had to sleep wherever and whenever you got the chance."

_During the war. _

She suddenly realized that he'd never mentioned his life before he came to Edo. She knew he'd fought in the war. There were posters throughout Kabukichou denouncing him as a terrorist and a war criminal. Since Bakufu propaganda labelled all Joui fighters as war criminals, she hadn't been bothered by these charges. She'd assumed that he was as honourable a man on the battlefield as he was now on the streets of Kabukichou, though probably just as misguided.

But deep down, she really hadn't wanted to know more. She hadn't fallen in love with the man who lived by his sword. She could never forget that the Jouishishi had caused her husband's death. Even though Katsura hadn't been involved in that incident, he'd inspired the resurgence of Joui resistance in Edo. He'd been a violent terrorist then, bombing Amanto embassies. Hijikata had asked her if she knew how many people Katsura had killed, and though she'd often wondered that herself, it was more comfortable to stay firmly in the peaceful present.

But she couldn't have Katsura the bashful, gentle, old-fashioned admirer, and send away Katsura the Joui leader and warrior. If she really loved him, she must embrace the whole person. She couldn't fear to look into the dark corners of his soul.

"Katsura-san, how long were you in the war?" she asked softly.

She felt his heartbeat quicken against her. "Three years." After a long pause, he continued, "Those weren't the worst years of my life. I had my comrades at my side. Until the end."

She steeled herself to ask the question. "Are they all dead now?"

"No, not all of them." He heaved a heavy sigh. "There's still Gintoki."

_Gin-san was a Joui fighter? Easy-going, contented Gin-san whose greatest ambition in life was to win enough money at pachinko so he could do nothing?_

"Let me tell you about Shiroyasha . . ."

Katsura began his story.

* * *

Hijikata rubbed his eyes. For the men of the Shinsengumi, there had been no sleep that night. They had combed every corner of Kabukichou, searching for Katsura. Now, returning to Shinsengumi Headquarters, each unit reported complete failure. Around one in the morning, one of the units had caught sight of Katsura's Amanto companion down back-alley, but they had failed to catch up with it.

On top of that, a Bakufu official had just dropped off an urgent message for the conspicuously-absent Kondou. Hijikata had put the man off with his usual story about Kondou being busy on top-secret police business, but in a couple hours the Shinsengumi Commander was supposed to present himself at the Police Commissioner's headquarters. It fell to Hijikata to make sure he kept the appointment.

Hijikata had just given the unit captains the order to stand down when he heard a snoring sound coming from the corner of the courtyard. The offender was standing with his back against a gate post, staring painted red eyes looking out at the world before him.

"Wake up, Okita!"

"I'm not sleeping, Hijikata-san," replied Okita, yawning. He pushed up the mask and began to rub his eyes.

"Good. You can deliver this note for me."

Okita yawned again. He made no movement to take the note. "Tell me, Hijikata-san. What do we employ Yamazaki for?"

"Yamazaki is still staking out the ramen woman's restaurant."

"Let one of the recruits do it."

"This is a delicate matter, Sougou. We must uphold the honour of the Shinsengumi."

Okita's eyes narrowed as he took in the implications of Hijikata's statement. "Oh no! I'm not calling at the death trap dojo again."

"This is a message from the police commissioner! It must be delivered." Hijikata waved the note at him.

"Just tell the old man he can see Kondou-san at that hostess club tonight."

Hijikata shook his head. "Sougou, he's been gone for four days. That's pushing it even for Kondou-san."

Okita considered this. "Maybe the demon woman's finally done him in. Hijikata-san, may I take along a corpse-sniffing dog?"

* * *

In contrast to the members of the Shinsengumi, Ikumatsu had passed a restful night on Gin-san's sofa. Once she'd sent Katsura to the opposite sofa, that was.

Her first tentative questions about the war had broken open a floodgate of stories from Katsura. Inspiring, tragic, comical, he stumbled over his words, often dropping the thread of one narrative to clarify another, and never returning to his original story. It seemed suddenly urgent for him to convey every moment of his life to her all at once.

So it was a very muddled impression she'd received of his life as a Joui hero, and an even more muddled impression of his apparently idyllic childhood. He'd been in the middle of explaining how if you cut through the woods on your way to school you could scrape off fifteen minutes of walking time, when he suddenly stopped talking. Further investigation revealed he'd fallen asleep: eyes wide open, his body still propped up on his elbow. Smiling, she'd gone back to her own sofa to sleep.

Katsura was gone from the other sofa when she woke the next morning. She could hear the shower running in the bathroom and the smell of rice wafted from the kitchen. It felt oddly luxurious, lying down while someone else was doing the cooking. For a few minutes she indulged herself in this new sensation. Then reluctantly,she got up to face the new day.

She found Elizabeth in the kitchen making breakfast, and the sight nearly took her breath away. Elizabeth was wearing a short black wig, a white top with blue borders and a pair of blue hakama trousers.

She rubbed her eyes. The outfit was familiar and yet bizarre.

"Elizabeth, this isn't going to work. You don't look anything like Shinpachi-kun," Katsura's voice came from behind her.

Elizabeth held up a sign. JUST WAIT. Then she produced a large pair of black eyeglasses from her sheets, and mounted them atop her beak.

Katsura gasped. "The Shinsengumi will never guess you aren't him."

Ikumatsu was ready to scoff, but with those glasses Elizabeth did suddenly seem much more Shinpachi-like. She turned around to tell Katsura so and received another shock.

Katsura was wearing an ugly grey wig from under which clumps of his own dark hair stuck out in places. He was still wearing Gintoki's yukata and he was carrying a red bundle of cloth in his arms.

"Katsura-san, I'm not dressing up as Kagura-chan."

Katsura looked crestfallen. "Ikumatsu-dono, it's the perfect disguise. Gintoki is out of town and -"

"You're not even wearing that yukata the way Gin-san does."

"I'm wearing this yukata the correct way," Katsura objected. "The right arm is supposed to go in the sleeve."

"That's not the point. The point is Gin-san wears his yukata in a very distinctive way. And he wears trousers and a shirt under it."

Katsura shook his head. "All his other clothes are in a pile of dirty laundry in the closet. The yukata's the only clean clothing he's left here."

Ikumatsu put her hands on her hips. "You think Gin-san wears clean clothes all the time?"

Katsura shuddered. "He once wore a shirt with a huge curry stain for one week straight. I was ashamed to admit I knew him."

ATTENTION TO THE SMALLEST DETAIL IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL DISGUISE.

"Trap me with my own words, Patsubeth?" He ran his hand across his brow. "Very well. Bushido teaches us that a samurai must not grudge even his own life in the service of his lord. Did not Oishi pretend to be a aimless drunkard for a whole year so that he could put Kira off his guard and avenge his master? Did not Mario wade through all the sewers of the Mushroom Kingdom for the sake of his princess?"

Elizabeth clapped her flippers together.

"For your sake, Ikumatsu-dono, I will debase myself." He proffered her Kagura's outfit again. "Please, for your own safety, take this."

Ikumatsu shook her head. "I'll stand out like a sore thumb in this costume. I'll borrow a shawl from the ladies downstairs if that's all right."

Katsura came to a decision. He turned to Elizabeth. "Patsubeth, if we run into the Shinsengumi, you must shield her from their sight. I'll distract them away from you two."

Elizabeth saluted. YOU CAN RELY ON ME, KATSURA-SAN

"It's not Katsura. It's Zuratoki."

* * *

Okita Sougou was a regular visitor at the Koudoukan dojo. Unlike his commander, he always used the front gate, knocking politely and waiting till the formidable mistress of the household let him in. She'd then politely ask if he was there to return the gorilla to the zoo from which it'd escaped, and once he'd retrieved Kondou-san, he could go to bed and sleep for the next twenty-four hours.

This morning there was already a small knot of people waiting at the gate. As he drew near, his eyebrows lifted. The figures before him were familiar, and yet there was something peculiar about them. Was Gintoki's hair always so grey? And Shinpachi . . . he couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something odd about Shinpachi. The third member of the group was wrapped in a woman's shawl with her face hidden. Much too tall to be the China girl. Perhaps she was one of their clients.

"Danna, back already?"

Gintoki jumped at Okita's voice, then turned around slowly. "We finished the job early," he said in a curiously high-pitched voice.

I HAVE LARYNGITIS. Shinpachi held up a sign.

"You sound like you're losing your voice as well, Danna," commented Okita. He stared hard at the trio. His instinct was screaming that something was wrong here.

Gintoki coughed. "Yes. We're very contagious. Maybe you should go home or you might catch our cold. It would be a shame if the Shinsengumi all ended up in the hospital."

COUGH COUGH read Shinpachi's sign.

Okita frowned. "I've seen those signs before . . . " he began, a memory beginning to surface.

The gate swung open.

"Gin-san, what -" Shimura Tae stopped short, staring at the group in front of her.

"Good morning, Otae-dono," Gintoki began, his voice suddenly different. And familiar.

Okita had his bazooka out before the man even finished the sentence. "KATSURA!"

Katsura lunged through the gate, Okita followed after.

"Sorry, Onee-san," he called back to Tae as he chased after Katsura, "I'll just be arresting-" He stopped suddenly as a blade touched his throat.

"I didn't hear Otae-san invite you in." Yagyu Kyubei growled.

Beyond them, Katsura disappeared around the corner of the dojo.

"I might be obliged to arrest you for shielding a Joui terrorist, Yagyu-san," Okita commented mildly, but he sheathed his sword. Despite his threat, he had no intention of provoking an incident between the Shinsengumi and the shogun's celebrity retainers, the Yagyu clan. Kyubei drew back her sword but didn't sheath it.

"It's all right, Kyuu-chan. Okita-san will behave himself. Won't you, Okita-san?" Tae asked sweetly.

Okita turned and bowed to Tae. She was holding "Shinpachi" tightly by its flipper. The creature's sign now read MERCY!

"I'm sorry, Onee-san. It must be a shock to see your brother associating with a wanted terrorist. I've very disappointed in you, Shinpachi-kun." While he was speaking, his eyes were fixed on the figure in the shawl. If Katsura and his Amanto were here . . .

"You must steel yourself, Otae-san," Kyubei said in a loud, stage whisper. "That's not Shinpachi-kun. It's a monster that's eaten Shinpachi and taken his clothing."

"Whatever will we do?" cried Tae. "I'm so _scared_, Kyu-chan!" She began twisting the creature's flipper. PLEASE SPARE ME the sign in its other flipper read.

"Don't worry, Otae-san. I'll kill this monster for you."

Okita strode past them, and taking the silent figure by the arm, pulled off the shawl. "Out making a ramen delivery, Ikumatsu-san?"

He expected the woman to flinch, to turn pale, to start trembling. Instead, she looked past him to Tae and Kyubei. "No, I'm here to visit the lady of the house, Shimura Tae."

Tae's eyes widened. "I'm Shimura Tae. Welcome . . . "

Ikumatsu bowed her head to Tae. "My name's Ikumatsu. I'm honoured to count your brother and his . . . associates as friends, Otae-san."

"Okita-san, what sort of behaviour is this? Why are you harassing my guest?" Tae suddenly snapped.

"Oneesan, this woman's an accomplice to terrorism," Okita replied evenly. "She's wanted for breaking arrest and assaulting a police officer." Inwardly, he was starting to quail. Shimura Tae had a lot more power and influence than her delicate looks suggested. She could punch a lot harder than most men too.

"It's true that I've had some difficulties with the Shinsengumi," Ikumatsu told Tae. "I hope I haven't caused you too much trouble, Otae-san, but Katsura-san told me you might be able to help me clear up a terrible misunderstanding."

Tae's smile widened. "Please, Ikumatsu-san, Okita-san, come in for tea. We'll discuss this like _civilized people_." She let go of the creature's flipper. "Elizabeth-san, would you join us as well?"

YES, I SURRENDER.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in a deep, dark hole behind the dojo. _

"Katsura Kotarou, I'm putting you under arrest."

"___Ha-ha-ha-ha!_ The Commander of the Shinsengumi is trapped in a hole like a dog!"

"You're in this hole too, Katsura! We're stuck in here until Otae-san realizes I accidentally fell in, and comes to get me out."

"This is a gorilla trap. Do you really think it can hold the Young Noble of Fury?"

A short silence. "Don't even think of touching my bananas, Katsura."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **I keep saying Zura's the easiest Gintama character to write, and I get stuck on writing him? Pride really does go before a fall. So yeah, there's another chapter of this to come. One more chapter, okay?

_Did not Oishi pretend to be a aimless drunkard for a whole year so that he could put Kira off his guard and avenge his master? _- Katsura's referring to the ever-popular story of the 47 Ronin who avenged their lord's death in a rather sneaky way. (Wikipedia gives the full details, though the history nerd in me feels obliged to say a lot of the traditional story of the 47 Ronin isn't really that accurate.)

**Murayama-Tsuru**: Yeah, it had to be Ikumatsu initiating the kiss. Katsura in canon and in this fic would never in a million years make the first move.

**kurasuchi: **OkiKagu Forever! Though not really in this fic. Okita is just being garden-variety awful to Kagura.

**Loteva**: Hope I've managed to maintain the Gintama feeling with this chapter.

**an co .xx: **Okita will settle down to read Kagura's diary next chap. *evil grin* Yep, the space in Gintoki's ceiling was Sacchan's hide-out.

**Dente-di-leone**: Well, one of these days I'll write OkiKagu, but given my current pace of writing, not to soon. My plot idea for OkiKagu is actually mostly Sakamoto and Kondou hitting bars together, and Okita, Kagura, and Shinpachi dragged into the hijinks.

**smellslikefabricconditioner: **Thanks for the pic of Zura in Gintoki's clothes. I got to play around with that in this chapter. I know what you mean about the romance part of this fic being short but sweet. These two just have so much left to resolve before they can live happily ever after. So it's a hopeful, bittersweet romance, not a resolution to their story.

**Kid Tantei:** Yours was a lovely review to get when I was getting down to business actually writing this chapter, instead of just suffering writer's block and wishing it would go away.

**8ouji Rui: **Yeah, I hope people will write more of Katsura/Ikumatsu, especially now there's more Ikumatsu material in the manga for them to work off.


End file.
